I sink into these holes, so deep that the sunlight cannot reach me with its warm hands. I want to sleep until my body gives out, isolate myself from the human race, give up my last bits of air. my body longs to curl up into a ball like I did as a child, but the walls of this abysmal prison laugh at my attempts, for they surround me much too closely to allow my limbs to move. my body no longer asks for nutrients, but rather states its desire for any kind of numbing release. and being that there is nothing down here with me and my overhang of not-nearly-dead but not-quite-alive, I have no other option but to patiently wait for the farthest corners of my body to just stop. stop breathing, stop beating, stop begging. just stop being. when it seems as though I am right there on the precipice of meeting this old friend, I senselessly float right up out of that hell, and up into the clouds. I am so high up here, it is a surprise that the atmosphere allows me such large, gasping breaths. I get so happy, manic, in this waterless sea of baby clue speckled fluffy white, that it is as if I was someone completely different. I can no longer control myself, don’t want to control myself, and the whole of me aches for such dangerous things, waiting to be reassured that I am still in fact alive. my blood pulses frantically, my heart beating enough to last a thousand lifetimes. but still, I do not like this place, either. I know I am not welcome to stay. It is devastating, because falling hurts substantially more than flying, and I am always forced back down from this cloudy unpredictability, left to huddle in paralyzing silence waiting for death, and forgetting the view of the sea in the sky, freckled with fluffy white.
“I was hurting something terrible, like every single part of me was cut and torn up. But my heart hurt the most. I couldn’t do anything except curl up like a ball on the floor and lie there, crying. the kind of tears that burn your eyes, and the sort of sobs that make your chest ache so that you’re sure its going to bust open. And when the sobs finally ran out, the tears kept coming, so I lay there with my mouth wide open, but I hardly made a sound. just air going into me, and a heavy wind full of sorrow coming out.
But as I cried, my heart was being transformed. It was getting smaller and smaller in my chest and hardening up like a rock. the smaller and harder my heart got, the less I cried, until finally I stopped completely.
By the time I was finished, my heart was a sharp, black stone that was small enough to fit in the palm of my hand. it was so hard nobody could break it and so sharp it would hurt anybody who touched it.
I stayed there, staring ahead at nothing, with just about nothing left inside of me, for quite a bit.
And then my new heart came up with a resolution. because when your heart changes, you change, and you have to make new plans.”
that stripper…picked the lollipop up…with her pussy…and you let her put it…in your mouth?!
kinky shit, man. kinky shit.